careful, there

I just finished reading a book on punctuation. The dismay and irritation over misplaced apostrophes, commas, the unfair treatment of the semicolon, the grey areas of grammar and usage, I was familiar with all that and it struck a chord. Sometimes, of course, I make mistakes. (Sigh.) Often, I make the wrong choice. And I’m not sure how I feel about the comma after: he said, “Really?”, e.g.. Or two full stops in a row. Perhaps I shouldn’t read more books on punctuation; this is dangerous stuff. For other people. Because, I might never shut up.

thanks

And it amounts to this.
That I love you guys, and I’m thankful for making my time here: special. And that you’re part of the reason I’m considering staying longer. But this doesn’t matter. The fact I love you may. Or may not. What do I know? But in any case, thanks.

I’ll do whatever I want, thanks

My dad just called (we don’t speak much) and he asked me when my contract is up, adding (in English, not his native language) “it’s too much” and I replied (in English, not my native language) “No, it’s not too much. I’m happy, I’m enjoying my life. I work and earn my own money and I’m happy, so it’s not too much.” I suppose that’s my official line then. He didn’t like that much and promptly said good-bye. Myself, I’m not that concerned any more. After the way they behaved this summer, I’m done. Yes, I have closed my heart to my parents but I have no energy to carry on stressing and trying to compromise (I’m more into feeling angry, if anything). I will live my life as I see fit and I will not respond to emotional blackmail so I’m doing a lot of ignoring and avoiding (hey, whatever works).

devil’s advocate

I somehow end up being resented in some way for my “neutrality”. I’m told off about it and I’m told I have to choose sides. I find it hard and painful to do so and still I’m told I have to. I don’t know what to do. I just try to see things from all possible perspectives. No matter how hard I try, I cannot remove myself from my nature. I have to assume all perspectives. I have to play devil’s advocate. And I mean no harm, and I mean to maximise good on all parts and perhaps I have to think about this more because I piss off people about this and I have consistently have done so for like. ever.

go away

[Some weeks ago -- I'm not sure how long because I don't keep count well -- I got a phone call that there was a water leakage in my apartment causing damage to my neighbours' place underneath. So some workmen had to come in asap to find the source and fix it. I had spent half of my day off out and about doing things and was really looking forward to some down time and instead I was freaking out by this unexpected invasion of space. And I tried to comfort myself by writing something, anything, down.]

Perhaps this is part of a learning curve. Feeling very very stressed out and vulnerable by the presence of strange men in my house who don’t speak the same language as I do and whose culture and ways are totally foreign to mine. I’m trying not to resent their presence but I do. I want them to go. I want me to spend the rest of my day off alone. I already do stuff on my day off. I’ve been swimming in the cold sea in minus ten Celsius weather and I still can’t feel my fingertips. I have split days off and I’m a closet introvert who has to consciously make the time to be alone in order not to go crazy and I’m going a bit crazy now. Men talking about me because they think I don’t understand (I understand enough). Walking around like they own the place. I’m a very very private person. I like my space. I like my peace. I don’t like uninvited guests and I don’t like the lack of control. I’m all right socialising and being with people when it’s my choice but to have strange men in my house when I least expect it! I’m finding it hard to cope. And would actually appreciate having a friend over. I’m a bit freaked out. I want them to go now. When will this end!?! AArghhh! Nice simulation of screaming there. I would scream if I could but I won’t. Still, in the spirit of acknowledging my feelings as I’m feeling them (a skill still in the making in some ways), I’m acknowledging my feelings. I’m taking it a step further and acknowledging that it’s all right for me to feel a bit resentful and violated by these men’s presence. It’s understandable and it happens. I cannot only have positive feelings all the time nor would I ever wish that. I embrace and understand the feeling of vulnerability I derived from telling J. that I liked him and it was partly because I’m afraid of feeling this way that I did it. Avoiding situations that make me feel vulnerable is sometimes a weak spot for me and exposing myself to more of these makes me stronger. I think next time I ask someone out it will be easier and more natural. I think there will be a next time. So this is growth. Similarly, by talking (to myself) about how I feel, I do feel better. It helps the handy men are on the other side of the room now. But I’ve talked myself into realising that it’s okay to feel vulnerable and that it’s not the end of the world to feel this way. No need to panic.

name-calling me crazy, at times

50

A friend once went crazy. I thought I could very easily have gone just as crazy and sometimes when I am a little insane, I remember my friend’s episode. Actually, I mislead. I’m sure many friends have gone crazy. I think we forget quickly that we were crazy. We adjust to our surroundings. Become whatever is suitable. Brave, fat, lazy, happy, whatever works. Flexible creatures that we are, we go crazy all the time and then back. Wax and wane and give names to our experiences. It seems a bit unnecessary. The name-calling I mean.

supermarkets are full of traps

Going to the supermarket in China can be one of the most traumatising experiences you can have — as a foreigner. The following conditions help: a) being or feeling introverted; anti-social; are in a bad mood b) going during rush-hour (wtf, are you deranged?)
The following scenarios are possible and on particularly bad days, your patience will be tested to no end when they all take place during a single visit:
people are everywhere. You end up people-locked. People are pushing past you all the time. No private space. There’s nowhere to go.
you are being harassed by sales girls who will not leave you alone. As it so happens, you need to spend some time at some aisle in order to select some product you need (say, bed linen). You’re a fucking sitting duck. Idiot.
you are being harassed by passers-by who are curious about you and see you — fucking idiotic sitting duck — trying to select some product and will touch you and the stuff in your trolley. An old lady might even select something from your trolley and hit you on the head with it to get your attention (recent event).
there’s a huge queue at the weighing station/food stand/etc.. The Chinese don’t follow any queues of course. You carry some foreign notions about queue systems which do not apply and you wait and wait for ever as people around you push you to get through.
All this comes to mind again later when a man crossing the street nearly runs you over in the process and your mind screams “People are not lamp posts!”