there there pat pat

More crisis to follow — So I’ve gone through last spring’s (2007) email conversations with my girly girls to spot the pattern.

(emailONE)

FAILURE!

hey everyone.
I hope you’re all well. Balancing things out whether it be with boyfriends or finding the right degree of detachment/attachment or even fitting libraries!
So I may get you to expect constant excitement from me — just when you thought that nothing could possibly happen for the next year I fail my degree.

Don’t be so shocked. I warned you.

Just wanted to let you know. Don’t worry. I’m upset. And it’s a big blow. But I was expecting it and I fully plan to make the most of the situation. So I know that things are going to be okay and that this isn’t the end of the world and that I shouldn’t let my sense of self–worth hang on my failure. I haven’t told my parents yet. I don’t have an emotional relationship with them. Things are okay and harmonious and I know they love me but I’ve never reached out for them and I’m afraid of asking for support because I’m scared I’m not going to get it. But I know that’s wrong and that people tend to surprise you with how supportive and caring they can be if you only let them. I know because contrary to my instincts (this being a good opportunity to retrain my faulty dispositions) I didn’t hide away but did the things I was planning to do and was open about my failing to people. I didn’t cry with them, I’ve only ever cried with you guys (well, E you were there in spirit) — but I told my friends and peers how I felt and what happened and I’ve been honest about things and everyone’s been supportive and great. So need to let my parents know how heartbroken I am. Hmm.

So this is the short version. Might spend a week more in [the motherland] but not sure yet because I might or might not hand in my thesis this September and need to decide that first. See you all (!) soon.

(emailTWO)

BREAK–UP!

Gia sas kopeles. [editor's note: Greek magic expression, like `namaste']

I hope you’re all well. I’ve been seeing el so i know how she is (very well I would say), k?–heard yet about the job? Hope you’re enjoying the sun, and A — I’m guessing still in the usa, hope you’re enjoying your time with good friends and intoxicating substances used well hehe.

I’ve got various stuff to relay but just the big news for now— just slight pause to build up anticipation.

There.

So. [blib] broke up with me for no particular reason except that he had no feelings for me. So it’s fair enough you would say. Basically, I just wanted to let you know of my unreturned love story. You can stop reading now.

What, you want more? I wish there was something concrete to give you. He simply was unable to bond with me and to formulate feelings for me. I reiterated what he was trying to say as `you have no strong feelings for me and you don’t see yourself as having them in the future’ or something of that sort. He agreed with my characterisation. The way he put it as some point was that he would hear my voice and feel nothing. But as I told him, if your heart’s not in it it’s not in it. Or also, let’s be realistic this isn’t the end of the world.

Anyway, don’t worry. I’m not being a complete robotic vulcan. It helped that [blib] is sensitive and started crying as he was breaking up with me. Kind of funny. So I hugged him and consoled him of sorts and because he was crying I found it easier to let myself cry too. I have been grieving. But I have no regrets, no bad feelings towards myself or [blib] which makes it easier to heal. Also it was just 9 months so although long enough to feel pain this isn’t devastating. Just very sad and very unfortunate. I wish he could love me. But he can’t. And I did tell him that I love him — in the context, you should know and see you’re doing the right thing since you can’t love me back. E has been really helpful cause I got to whine to a supportive friend and come to the obvious and general conclusion that he’s just not ready to give love to anyone. Which is slightly better than he can’t give love to me. I’m avoiding the what–if scenarios. And I deleted the text messages before the urge to ruminate over them got hold of me. And I behaved well during the breakup so my dignity’s intact. And I didn’t let my fear dictate my actions. I tried my best, I did what I could which makes me feel good now. I have a very good post breakup routine which can be summed up to let yourself grieve for as much as needed, mourn the future that could have been and then forget it, avoid negative patterns of thinking, keep busy, exercise, hang out with good friends, and wear nice colours and clothes.

This is it more or less. This is a quite clean breakup. Not much to think about or elaborate on. I’ve been learning my lessons along the way and I’m fine. Come to think of it this email’s too long. Sorry. I really wish this could have worked out differently. But I can focus all that energy that went on [blib] on more fruitful endeavours.

Ate filakia [editor's note: Greek magic word, like `namaste'.]

exit

Maybe my call for help should have gone like this:
This is a call for help.

It will not do to tell me that I can do it on my own. I know this.  And I know this is what you say. You will not help me. You will help me help me.  I am my self’s worst enemy and this is what I propose. Listen to my proposal and embrace the possibility of exit.

follow leopard’s trail

It was simple in the end. I emptied caches (just in case) and logged in as Guest. Then I downloaded the 10.5.2 installation package and ran the upgrade from there. Finally, I caught up with the third official incarnation of leopard. Hopefully this solves some problems although I’m not holding my breath. It may be that my 2.5 year old ibook g4 is better suited for Tiger. I met a new mac user yesterday. He got his macbook a week ago and didn’t recognize my g4. He was also pissed off that the macbook air got out a week after he purchased his laptop but I reassured him he made the right choice. His favourite book is Sophie’s World. I am a snob when it comes to that book choice (ditto The Alchemist) as much as I am a snob when it comes to new mac users that just emphasize: love their macs. It’s as if my 2.5 year old macintosh, just by virtue of being a g4 still–non–mainstream, a young old–school, allows me to assume an air of superiority because I have reasons to prefer macs to pcs. Which is bullshit since the combination of good looks and a user–friendly operating system is reason enough to prefer a mac. Still, as the snob that I am I secretly hated it that this one week old user who is still ignorant of many things told me: `I have joined the family’. I would never tell a ‘nix freak that I’m part of his family just because I open terminal once in a while or use other people’s scripts (is my username fake advertising?). Of course leopard’s trail will lead you to unix adventures. Where many things will go wrong…

ten years ago

16 March 1998 — 14 years old — Diary Entry (translated from Greek from recently rediscovered diary)

[...] I will write down here my efforts to improve (kind of). Mostly so that I see what things I aimed to do and what I actually did. In ten years time, if I still have this document how will it look to me? I’m really curious to see and if I could (right now no) I would travel to the future to see what happens to me. [...] I’m very selfish. It sounds like I hate myself but that’s a lie. I see my negative aspects,  I try to improve them but I don’t have the illusion that I have a good character  anyone who thinks that is a liar. I appreciate myself but I try as much as I can to recognize and improve both my negative and positive aspects of my self. I wish I could stop judging others. I always try to find the bad things in someone and not the good ones. Everyone and I mean everyone serves some purpose in life. Anyway I shouldn’t try to put people down the people I don’t like. But words are easy. Still every day is a new chance. And a day might make all the difference.

simple lesson in love

I learned a valuable lesson last year by hurting someone and by getting hurt in turn. It’s simple. No matter how much you want an erotic relationship, you have to wait for it. Do not pursue.

things people must do

We must makes ourselves do things every day. We must make ourselves patient and kind and loving. We must make ourselves say thank you and please. We must be honest yet considerate (that’s a hard art to master what between white lies bluntness politeness empathy understanding and future–telling amongst others). We must have great sex and happy conversations. We must laugh. We must know when to shut up and listen. We must know when to speak. Feed ourselves and clean our exteriors. Shit and piss and make our muscles nicer and our hearts younger. We must always work to upgrade. We must realise we’re machines and need a lot of work.

Anyway, it’s all around you.

And then it also occurred to me that being `new age’ is not a big deal anyway. You judge people by their `vibes’ don’t you? (And by that I mean you judge how you would get along with them — a kind of compatibility metre.) But pursuing a more active new age line has its perks. One of the greatest is the following. The baseline mood (you know the one you always return to after the highs and lows) is raised. This is in my opinion (like always it’s in my opinion), how one ought to pursue happiness. It’s not in the extraordinary highs of special occasions, it’s in the cheerful quiet mundane baseline mood of dish–washing and what have you. But  mind you the highs also increase in frequency and intensity because you discover the beauty in the moment. I remember for example sitting on a bench at a park and eating an orange. Juice running down my fingers, and I could smell the orange — yum. And then this wave of happiness. I was happy to be sitting down surrounded by trees and green and to be immersed in the experience which is eating–an–orange.