mind your own business

I recently had one of those lightbulb moments.

Sometimes they feel like clicks, e.g. when part of your body is misaligned and then it goes back to place and you can tell because it feels right.
This time it was more like a letting go. E.g. when part of your body is carrying tension and you only realise when you lie on the floor for what feels like a very long long time and then you let go of the tension and you can tell because it feels right.

The story is universal. It instantiates itself when your mind struggles because of others. Because you watch Troubled Friends you love treating themselves badly, ignoring their needs, being their selves worst enemies, and so on and so forth. Addictions, break ups, conflict, and the rest. And it upsets you that they won’t help themselves. That they refuse to see the problem. That if only they did x, y, z or realised such–and–such, then!

This is what happens. You think to yourself. If I were in his situation, what would I do? What have I done in the past? Or more `objectively’, what would be the optimal way to deal with this situation? You fancy yourself a caring person. And it upsets you that your Troubled Friend just won’t see this! And then you start feeling angry because they refuse to help themselves. And disappointed. Because you care.

Here’s the thing. It’s none of your business. You are not your Trouble Friend. It’s not about you. It’s not about how you would deal with things, what you expect from yourself, how it was for you when… Stop expecting things from yourself, stop setting standards you have to meet and then you let go of the persons you think other people ought to be.

Your mind struggled because of you. Not others.

there is such a thing as a stupid question

What kind of a question is that?

What are you thinking?
–Nothing. Nothing. My mind just goes ____.
–Or else I’m daydreaming and how can I explain that?
–Or else I’m thinking about something in particular in which case I was in the middle of thinking about something when you interrupted me!

What are you doing? (when busy on one’s computer)
–Something else before you interrupted me!
–Or else I’m doing many things at the same time on my computer and I now have to spend processing power deciding what exactly to tell you and how to phrase things depending on your level of interest and understanding to tell you what I was doing when you interrupted me!

What are you reading? (when reading a book)
But I was reading a book, I want to read my book, please let me read my book!

What are you listening to? (when wearing headphones)
But I was listening to music, I want to listen to my music, please let me listen to my music!

Are you sleeping?
–Yes. And I’m a liar.

What does your tattoo mean?
–I’m glad you asked me that question. I just happen to have with me a paper I wrote on my tattoo’s meaning. Would you like a paper copy, plain text, rich text, or the pdf version? There is a dedicated usenet group if you have any follow–up questions. Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to elaborate on the reasons that prompted me to decorate my body in this fashion.

Who’s your favourite philosopher?
(Seriously?)

cry baby

Little baby it’s okay to find this hard.

Come on now — do a little dance and make a little joke.

I know you want to.

But also: maybe cry a little.

Little baby it’s okay to cry.

some guy breaks up with me

[Be warned: ramblings from the summer of 2007 to follow. Some guy broke up with me.]

Time to talk about my broken heart.
Thought that crying for two nights would have sufficed. After all, how much crying are you meant to do before you perk up and face the world again? But I may be facing the world fine but my crying unleashes itself in my dreams. Three weeks now and I’ve been having nightmares and I’ve been waking up upset — I’m crying a lot in my dreams. Why can’t I unleash the beast in one huge session and get it over with? Maybe should get `sad movie’.
Incidentally, I’ve died in my sleep — there– it can be done. My nightmares have helped though. I know I’m upset and that I’m hurt — i think I’m even getting closer to the real reasons why.

And a few days later, after consciously acknowledging my feelings of hurt that I’ve been experiencing in my dreams, the nightmares stop. My dreams are back to normal, I saw my brothers and my childhood and other such happy images and I’m no longer chased chased chased and running, falling down for ever only to find the man who was chasing me hidden at the bottom of the endless staircases and he shoots me and I die and as I am dying I realise I’m dreaming a nightmare I’ve had many times before and I know this for a fact and I wonder why I hadn’t realised sooner and then I wake up upset and vulnerable. Nor have I seen the man who refused to love me haunting my dreams and crying tears flooding my face.

I’m spreading the love as I go. As you love so you shall be loved. I love me. And how could I love myself if I couldn’t love others? How could I love others without loving myself? Love is an attitude. And I finally see how my honesty has changed from the angry teenage years — the arrogant, rational honesty — to what it aims to be now — considerate and trusting truth. Just be honest to yourself and trust others to be equally open. I find people respond well to calm assurance, speak with the heart.

kindness of strangers

[An old ramble that I meant to put up for some time. It was prompted by a Random Guy who sat next to me at the park and was incredibly rude and aggressive. He told me he wanted to fuck me. I got up to leave eventually and told him he wasn't going to fuck that way and he started shouting at me. I returned later to play my recorder (which is why I was in the park in the first place, me being a freak and all); he was still lurking around and started screaming and shouting at me. I ignored him and continued playing.]

The following scenario is one that I encounter very often:

I’m by myself.
Random Guy approaches me and chats me up.
I try to be friendly and not unnecessarily dismissive.
Random Guy won’t leave me alone.

I find this a tricky one. I know that Random Guy is talking to me because, and probably only because, he finds me attractive (and I don’t look like I could give him any trouble). Random Guy wolf whistles to me invariably every day. (I know all this sounds arrogant, and if it hasn’t been happening for so long for me to check this out even I might think I was exaggerating, but I’m not. Every single day, especially and mainly when I’m alone, more than one Random Guy speaks to me/wolf whistles/makes some kind of sexual innuendo. This is the world I find myself in and I’ve learned how to handle it more or less nicely when I’m out and about and this happens.
But when I’m stationary and Random Guy seizes the opportunity to `talk to me’, I’m uncertain as to how to behave. My problem is that I don’t want to start assuming beforehand that any strange man who approaches me or is friendly wants to fuck me. I want to avoid such assumptions as much as possible. I want to treat each individual fairly, and treat them on their own terms. I prefer the occasional freak so that I preserve the chance that some nice individual approaches me — not because he wants to fuck me — .

But while I’m rambling. Men and non–attractive women cannot understand what it is like for us hotties (yes there are many more beautiful women than me, but for better or worse I classify as a hottie and I know it — it took me many many years to realise/ (or perhaps become one?) ). Beautiful women face a world where there are two main categories of people. Those who envy them. Those who want to fuck them. (At least the internet is still more neutral ground…)
[I think this is an exaggeration. Fortunately. Still, the two categories make up a substantial proportion of the population...]

panic

Breathe in and forget to breathe out.

Repeat until you pass out;

or perhaps take a long nap.

moody

Careful how you trod

make it with lightness and

you might survive.