out of service

I’m packing my laptop to send over to my new place of residence in China. I can’t access wordpress from internet cafes in China and I will not have my own machine during my travels so updates will be sporadic at best. Don’t you worry however. By early September I’ll be back.

So faithful few, speak to you later.

I have no idea where I’ll be for the next few weeks given that my travel plans have fallen through. I will go with the flow and have adventures that I will write about the old school way: on paper.

Catch you later.

bad timing

30

I was very close to punching you when you told me “I love you baby” during sex no less. A drunken man, you would soon forget as you did the last time you told me that you love me. Which is bloody irritating given that you do love me but refuse this truth sober. Never you mind, I told you with an open heart how I feel and I’m proud of that.
But I was this close (about three seconds’ worth) to chucking you out you idiot for inadvertendly playing with my feelings at such a vulnerable moment. Instead, I cried without making a sound, lay on my floor sulking, tried to empty my mind in order to sleep, woke up at five in the morning bloody pissed off. Ah, love.

dig

29

When drunk people come up with things
such as: I love you;
They might revert and forget and meet
an ego surprised at declarations
of love, and you might feel sad.
Artificial ways of lifting inhibitions do not
stay.
They don’t dig deep enough.

plans

A week left here. In which time I will send a dissertation (edit and write a previous piece of work), pack for Tibet/Cyprus/London (whatever I can carry in a backpack), pack to ship things over to D. (plus special delivery for laptop), strive to get money back for shitty RAM, book flights, get rid of shit and clean place up, fix my bike, organise my Tibet trip, plan open doors (parents watch a lesson with your class), write student reports. That’s it. Ah, where the fuck did I put my Visa Electron?

Thanks

28

For the witty comebacks. They keep me on my toes.

where’s the plot?

Trying to figure out how it will all come together. Liking writing. Check. Good at it. Check. (Check?) Character development? Character development? You mean I need to have a plot?

pep talk — retrospection

I got an email from an old friend who wanted advice on how to handle his on meltdown. This is an extract which summarises some things. Long.

Thanks for sharing with me — I know what a meltdown is like. To be honest, I’ve been aware of this about you from our [uni] days. Sometimes, just out of pure empathy because I was using the same defence mechanisms, the procrastination, the unwillingness to work, the guilt at not doing any work, the setting of unreachable goals to make up for lost time, you name it. [...]

The end result for me was not the best. Although I will get a Masters out of it (argh — must hand in 10, 000 words dissertation!). However, having said that I can tell you that I have recovered my calm and peace and I can tell you when it started. So here goes. (Forgive the ramblings.)

At some point in spring 2008, six weeks before my hand in date I finally broke down. I was depressed for more than a year before that. Sometimes I was better but there were bouts which lasted for some months where I didn’t speak to anyone, didn’t bother to have a shower, or brush my teeth and slept between 15 to 18 hours a day. When I was awake I was trying to deny that I was feeling anything and was trying to ignore my guilt. The guist of it is that I was unhappy with what I was doing with my life. Philosophy wasn’t making me happy but for many reasons I couldn’t admit this to myself. What happened with the break down is that I completely flipped out and sent a long rambling email to some close friends (rather than [my supervisor]) finally coming out with how things were really going for me. It was the first time I was this truthful about my situation.

And this is the key, for the first time I came out with: That’s it, I don’t want to do this anymore. I quit. I didn’t quit of course, and I’m glad I didn’t but the realisation that I could quit if I wanted was great. I didn’t have to do this anymore. Fuck it.

The next step for me was to send an email to my supervisor telling him exactly what I had done research–wise and that I was unable to look at my work objectively.

Then, I decided to give it a final go not caring about the result so much anymore. It was very difficult but I think it became my choice again because I realised I did have a choice. I didn’t have to do it, but I would give it a go.

I then made use of my [uni's] counseling service purely to keep me going. It might not be for everyone, but I highly recommend if you can to see someone if not for any other reason but to vent and help you keep going.

I also realised that I needed to ask for help and support from those friends who could give it to me. I was fortunate to have some accepting and great friends that helped me out. Sometimes, with proof reading, other times just with an email saying: so what have you done today? And keep going!

Another great advice I was given is to give myself a grace period. This is the Eskimo grieving way. You give yourself a week, a day, whatever and in that time period your allow yourself to completely indulge WITHOUT any guilt. Now of course, you may not be able to disappear or lie in bed or drink to stupor. But you might give yourself a day or two days off a week and dedicate that to your daughter and wife. The key is to eliminate guilt when you’re not doing any work. Let yourself just be at that time.

So I don’t know if this is any help. But you do have choice. Quit and bear the consequences. Gather up what strength you have, use whatever resources available to you and just do it. Send your supervisor an email with all your work and an assessment of your current state. Use anyone you have to read your work or hear you ramble.

Do you have any sympathetic female friends? They tend to be better with support — Well, you have me. If you want I can pester you with emails asking you how you’re doing or giving you pep talks. Email whevever you want. I am not being polite. It’s not my style. You’re welcome.

You know of course, that in the end it doesn’t matter. Whichever way this pans out you will need to do some serious healing but you’ll be fine. When your three year old daughter gives you a huge hug and says I love you dad is anything else gonna matter? I think not.