in a word, smile

Though I still have my trademark frown which automatically attaches when in thought and often when alone I now smile a lot to myself and to others and this has made my life better and to follow through I should use this as a shield (no, not a shield but as a device which makes me transparent and does not allow foes to attach).

compromise

18

I had a smoking session with BBB. My heart of hearts told me I should express myself. Last time it told me that was when I just wanted to vent about fucking G. which apparently he felt the same way about. Politics. But anyways, I wanted to tell him how I feel about E. There’s conflict even as I write. And the need to express the truth. I finally figured out why I write here. It’s a compromise. A reaction to the fear of speaking the truth but also at the same time having the need to express the truth. Here you go. It’s public. If you know about the existence of this blog, go ahead and read. You don’t.

I’ve been thinking about truth lately. Brought about by virtual conversations and a series of undergoing changes. I hear my heart speak to me. It’s pure love and it tells me the truth. When I hear it and acknowledge it it gives me more. When I lie, it diminishes. And first, to myself I must be true.

speak to me my heart and tell me what I’m feeling

17

On the Saturday of May sixteenth two thousand and nine ad at around two thirty in the afternoon as I was (very) relaxing during my allocated snooze time I realised that I am in love with E. There was conflict in my heart. I analysed but also allowed realisations to come to me. Previous patterns — a boyfriend who didn’t love me and a projection on E. of that kind of behaviour. Also, my rational mind beginning to build defence mechanisms and reacting to the letting go that began the process of becoming aware of this particular truth. I caught my mind threatened and arrested it. The process realised, I became aware of the feelings of conflict. And soon after that, in a very spiritual way, I came to know I was in love. The conflict was a result of my denial and it dissipated as soon as I came to know. The statement came to me: I am in love and my heart of hearts told me.
Maybe I should have suspected this from the fact that I’m going through a Roxette and Dido listening stint. Highly suspicious.
To my slight surprise, I am not threatened by this knowledge and I don’t find myself hoping and wishing it’s reciprocated. Not that I don’t want the latter. But I am happy in my knowledge and that it was that piece of knowledge I needed to acquire access to.

Speak to me my heart and tell me what I’m feeling.

what I am will do

I was invited to do one of those stupid Facebook Likeness test where you put a list of items in an order of priority and get compared to your FB friends.
This one was about things you’d want more of first. Should be straightforward. The standard items are there, the things we tend to aspire to: friends, money, intelligence, creativity, time, and beauty, and so on. I’m having a very hard time doing the list because although I would appreciate more of all these items I don’t find myself wanting anymore. I’m happy with what I’ve got.
I feel relieved and grateful that I should feel this way. It gives me hope that as I work through my issues which include a tendency for depression (by which I mean a history of depression), anxiety, pride, and all the rest of the things that make me smaller, basically as I work through all that is keeping me from reaching enlightenment, I nonetheless am complete. I do not desire more intelligence/beauty/creativity not because I would mind being smarter/more beautiful/creative than I am (and I wouldn’t) but because what I am will do.

prayer to the goddess Quan Yin, the mother–figure

“The Goddess of Mercy is unique among the heavenly hierarchy in that She is so utterly free from pride or vengefulness that She remains reluctant to punish even those to whom a severe lesson might be appropriate. Individuals who could be sentenced to dreadful penance in other systems can attain rebirth and renewal by simply calling upon Her graces with utter and absolute sincerity. It is said that, even for one kneeling beneath the executioner’s sword already raised to strike, a single heartfelt cry to Bodhisattva Quan Yin will cause the blade to fall shattered to the ground.”

I call on you Goddess Guan Yin, you of mercy and compassion. I call on you not with an open heart but a naked one. I ask you to show me that your heart is my heart and to help me get rid of my pride and vengeful nature. Take away resentment and leave only Love.

I sing:

Namo Quan Shin Yin

I take refuge in Quan Shin Yin [the observation/care for the voice of the world].

You who can hear the true sound of my heart, help me sing with the world.

how I met the daemon baby, really

When I first talked about meeting the daemon bay I was intentionally unclear. This was a turning point in my spiritual life and I am now ready to be transparent.

First experience this: Feeling of cold and terror. Starting to tremble and naturally hunch. Then immediately after: feeling a foreign presence travel your body and emerge from the left side of your skull.
See this: dark brown fumes coming out of your body.

This in the middle of the day, broad daylight. Complete and total sobriety.
This an experience that can only make sense and be explained in the backdrop of a cluster of New Age dogmas/teachings.

The move. From: practicing meditation, yoga and using New Age language but with a `healthy scepticism’ and an unwillingness to be literal. To: a surrender to those things on heaven and earth that a certain kind of thinking (the analytic, rational tradition of anglo–saxonic philosophy) does not ordinarily touch.

The move is not really that radical because it comes gradually and slowly. You will move only at a pace that your mind and body allows.

Create this: persistent thoughts directed at a person will of course influence your relationship with them. Take this a step further: focus and direct your whole being — thoughts, emotions, physical states — about a person and change your relationship with them by changing yourself.
Again — this is not radical. You will come to this in various ways. Though psychotherapy, thought, interaction, instinctively. Whatever.
Do this consistently and methodically and you have New Age practice.

Language fails. Only direct acquaintance works.
Perhaps — and this is what’s happened to me — at some point, and probably inevitably, you will have an experience that demands of you to overcome scepticism and, take a leap of faith.

surrender

Why make an effort?
It’s all really simple.
I still think it works like magic.
No point in trying.
Either do it, or don’t.
There’s no middle ground in existence. Facts are facts.