That have made me a better person and which I try to apply every day.
(My first real self-help post.)
-
Be open to people.
I’m not a gregarious person and rarely initiate interactions with others. But I’m open to other people. I’m receptive, friendly and honest. As a result, people come to me.
Watch your body language.
Stand up straight. Don’t cross your legs and arms at the same time. Smile. Make eye contact. In this way, even if you’re not actively participating in some kind of social interaction people will know or think that you’re enjoying yourself and you will come off as confident.
Smile!
Smiling disarms people and makes them receptive to you in return.
When I meet a new person, or the first time I see anyone I know (colleague, acquaintance, shopkeeper, whatever) I do this: I smile and say hello (name), how are you? This sets the tone for our interactions.
Remember people’s names and use them.
It creates a more intimate connection with people and makes them feel important. We all want to feel important.
I used to be very bad at remembering names. Teaching has helped immensely but I use a trick that works for me.
When introduced to someone, e.g. hello, this is (name). I repeat their name. I say: hello (name). If I haven’t caught their name or if it’s strange I ask them to repeat it. If I’m introduced to many people at once, I do a round after I’ve heard and repeated all the names. So this is, (name), (name1), (name2) etc. In large groups, I might also anticipate forgetting a name by apologising beforehand in a jokey way. If I forget someone’s name I pay attention to instances of use and then make a mental note, or if needs be I ask them (again, use humour if possible). When I leave, I use the newly learned names: smile and say: goodbye (name). It was nice meeting you. I might also do a mental round where I repeat people’s names in my head for reinforcement.
Be comfortable with yourself.
And others will be comfortable with you.
-
Listen!
Let people talk. People love to talk. Let them talk but listen actively. Don’t interrupt. Rephrase things people say to make sure you haven’t misunderstood and to reassure the other person you’re listening. Ask follow through questions. Encourage the other person to continue talking by demonstrating interest.
Don’t give unsolicited advice.
This may sound counterintuitive but realise that most often when people talk they are not looking for solutions or suggestions. They want to express themselves. They want a sympathetic ear. They might want to think aloud. Your job is to listen. Apply the above. At some point, your advice may be solicited. If you have focused on listening not only will you be in a better position to offer useful advice but it’s also much more likely to be considered. If you’ve interrupted before the person was done talking, they will not listen to you because they’re still focused on what they want to say and they might feel misunderstood. Take the time to listen before you start telling people what to do.
Accept. Don’t judge.
Judging is self–centered. When you criticise someone you’re making value judgements. You think they should have done or said something else, because you think that it would have been better for x, y, z reasons. Judging puts people on the defensive and closes your mind to opportunities to learn from others. It shows in subtle ways even when you don’t say anything. It corrodes relationships. Accept others and listen without criticism.
-
Be honest.
Delineate your interactions and you will be much happier.
Don’t be brutal.
Learn how to speak the truth and consider the other person’s emotions.
Mark your space.
Explain yourself to people. If you can only go out one night a week without feeling all extroverted out, say so. If big crowds make you feel uncomfortable explain that this is why you’re not going out to celebrate the Chinese New Year with the crowd.
Learn how to say No. If you have a problem saying “no”, learn how to say: “let me sleep on it and get back to you”.
People are not mind-readers and they don’t deserve unanticipated explosions or pent-up resentment from you because you didn’t take the time and effort to explain that you hate it when people speak to you first thing in the morning, say.
-
Be genuine or don’t bother.
A disingenuous compliment shows.
Conceit shows.
Self-serving behaviour shows.
People are much worse at hiding their true motives and feelings than they think they are. It will show and it will be a red flag. So if you can’t think of anything nice you can genuinely say, say nothing at all.
-
Learn this:
Everyone is interesting.
