thinking out loud. languages (french, etc.)

My level used to be that good on the old equivalent DELF system under which I qualified:

The highest level, DELF B2 validates a perfectly fluent level, total independence in the language and the ability of the student to manage him/herself. The DELF B2 candidate is capable of responding to any demand and knows how to recognize and correct their own deficiencies.

I’ve lost it now and last time I was on holiday (in Nice), about three years back my French was conversational. I could understand people when they spoke to me directly and catch some of the conversations around me. I could make myself understood if I didn’t discuss anything too complicated. Now, I’m studying Chinese with a view to continue with this when in London so that I can have a solid foundation upon my possible return to China. And I remember that because of my French background, I found Italian (2 years) when in highschool, easy. I gave it up. But I remember when in France at about 18, I would hang out with Italians and Spanish and they spoke to me in their native languages and I understood them perfectly and would answer back in French or English. And Spanish was a peace of cake. Before going to Cuba, me and the then boyfriend took some lessons and I could understand people and speak to them without any real difficulty (except up on the mountains where they had a difficult accent). But I don’t speak Spanish or Italian, and my French is now pathetic. If I can choose to commit to learning Mandarin properly (and it will be difficult, especially once I’m back in London), could I also choose to commit to bring my French up to par with a view of even improving it? Should I start now with my somewhat free-er schedule? (Although my time seems to be taken up more or less lately…) I wish I had my old French textbooks with me! Assuming I work on my French, and assuming further that I do go to Latin America to teach and live for a few years (after London and after China and after Hong Kong so we’re talking in four/five years minimum! and I’m currently single and free but for who knows what the future brings….), I would be able to pick up Spanish easily. I find Spanish easy, there’s a wealth of amazing literature that’d be great to read in the original language, and that along with immersion should suffice. And then I’d have Greek, English, French, Mandarin, and Spanish all under my belt with Italian beckoning. Is this all possible? I started studying French when I was young and I was fluent by 14, so would that early start give me an advantage? I’m hoping (and think) it’s still all there so that it can serve as my link to the other Romanic languages. I’m hoping also, that in the same way that being in China and being exposed to Mandarin has stimulated my usage of Greek so it shall stimulate my contemporaneous study of French. Should I choose to go down this path. And though this post is ramblings through and through I have been thinking about this for this past year in China. I miss French. I miss being a fluent speaker.

history

There are effortless days where joy flows. In Chinese, one word for happiness literaly translates to “open heart”. Isn’t that simultaneously poetic and accurate? I am grateful that most of my days are like this. On such days, it becomes unthinkable that I should have ever known anything else. I come to remember that I’ve been depressed on nights like the one I had (when?) perhaps last night. There are biological reasons that pushed emotional responses to extrinsic factors. A particularly difficult menstrual period followed by another pseudo one after taking the morning after pill, followed by stuff happening at work. There is also that hovering cloud whose origins are unclear. And so it came to be that I lay in bed, vulnerable and scared (of what?) and tried to console myself by telling me: tomorrow you’re going to wake up and feel great. And I remembered how I told myself this almost every night for more than a year. I was desperate. Because I wouldn’t feel great the next day. And then on the bus I asked myself: Could I be falling into depression again? When does it become reality? But I was on that bus to go take a Chinese lesson I didn’t fancy taking on that day but I went to anyway. And the night before I went out because I hadn’t been out with that particular group for a while. And the night before I had a quiet dinner with a colleague. And earlier that week, I met up with some people I know to go swimming at the sea. And I even vented to my colleagues about the ridiculous situation I found myself at work. I complained. It’s a start. So suspicions and fears that I’m falling into depression are probably unfounded. I’m socialising, going to work, and doing everything that people do. Only with a bit of a push this last couple of weeks. This sometimes happens, doesn’t it? But although in so many ways I am much stronger because of my history of depression, it also scares me shitless that I might once again revert.

father and daughter

I don’t know if this qualifies as bonding with my dad or what.
I thought that since their number one complaint is that I decide on what I want to do with my life and then announce it to them, perhaps I should make them feel they’re part of the process. So I send this long email full with information overload, links and all, about doing a Masters on Education so that hopefully he emails back saying it’s a great idea and go ahead and we’re both happy. And I get back an email saying: interesting points raised, let me do some research and get back to you. Bye love dad. (Aren’t we expressive in my family?) I’m hoping and suspecting and know he’s like me and needs to verify something himself before he can approve it; hearsay being somehow not good enough. So having approved an idea he can call it his own and let me get on with it. Perhaps. Ah, family.

yuppie alert

Is this evidence that I’m turning into a yuppie?
Since I’ll be doing a PGCE next year and it counts one third towards a Masters in Education and I want to continue educating myself I want to take the compulsory component course of the Masters with Open university (distance learning, yea!).
And between specialising in Appied Linguistics (linguistics being something I’ve always been interested in both during my undergraduate and my MPhil) and Leadership and Management, well, I’m more drawn towards Leadership and Management. Yuppie as hell no?
But then again I wash my hair and body only with water (and I smell nice okay?). Does this help at all or is it even worse that I’m a Guardian reading, over-educated, environmentally friendly, experience-mongering, etcetera etcetera?

quality time alone

I socialised with people today and yesterday and I’ve used up all my extroversion points for the week I think. This shouldn’t be happening since I can usually do a 1:3 ratio. For every three days spent socialising I spend one day alone in order to be a useful and happy member of society (if I don’t have time alone I start going a bit crazy). I’m much happier with a 2:1 ratio but it’s too self-indulgent and it can easily lead me to the Path of Withdrawal where I forget basic rules of engangement and revert to being socially inept and reclusive. But working with kids must use up more points since you have to be very energetic, friendly, and well, extroverted. But the teaching’s done for the weak so I will hide behind headphones for the remaining time, and keep interaction levels to what I can genuinely do. I mean, no point being disingenuous in my interactions. Only smile when you mean it, and don’t feign interest, be interested. And I can do all that if I’m true to myself and give me quality time alone. I’ve missed me.

comfort zones, out

Some things that get me out of my comfort zone are:

Inviting people over for dinner. Taking initiative in socialising is something I always have to push myself to do and I do with apprehension; taking responsibility for the socialising venue and mode is something that makes me feel uncomfortable. (Mentioned because I have a dinner party in two days which I’m not currently looking forward to but hopefully will enjoy once underway. What was I thinking?)

Accepting that in order to learn and grow I have to expose myself even when I’m uncertain of my degree of competence. I was reluctant to do anything about my desire to write creatively because I was scared of criticism and failing and had no past history on which to gage my ability. (Making little challenges for myself, and taking small comfortable steps.)

Telling people how I feel. (Work in process, always.)

Asking strangers for directions. (Nearly mastered that one. Thanks China!)

Asking for help. (But I’ve become much better at doing it when it really matters, and much better at accepting it even for little things that I’d rather do on my own.)

: )

I’m still in love with this one.
(As usual,) I discovered the scope of my feelings by inference. I had sex with someone and I’ve been feeling: longing. It’s nice when sex comes your way of course, especially those loose arrangements — ever so convenient. Still, I’ve been troubled. Because I don’t want any other man, bless me. (Still, sex is nice so let’s not close all doors.) So I’ve sent an email with the subject: “you should” and the content of: “come to see me”. A bit shocked that I did this, I added one of them stupid virtual smiles “: )” to be, supposedly, on the playful side because what I really meant to say was: “I really miss you. Come to see me.”