reasonable

My boobs are kind of huge. Well, some people call them “big”, others “huge” and as a Chinese colleague who saw me naked in the showers (common) after bellydancing dance said: Wow, your friends are rich. Anyway, I’ve come to terms with their size and don’t really notice it anymore and also understand that they suit my body better than how a smaller pair would. So, whatever. However, my bra size does change and this is inconvenient because bras for big boobs are expensive and when you have boobs my size you have to wear the right size. And by the way, way too many women don’t wear the right size and I can spot them a mile off and it makes a huge difference to wear a proper bra and I don’t get it why some people will spend a fortune on clothes and ruin the whole presentation by forgetting about the foundations. Rambling on, when I passed through London this summer, I discovered that my bra sized changed and I now have an awkward size that’s not widely stocked. I manage to get two bras, one of which is very summery and not good to wear under winter clothes, mostly, or during/close to my period when my boobs somewhat grow. So I’ve been wearing one bra much more than any other because that’s the best fit. Internet shopping it is. I browse bras, choose shitloads and the only one bikini in my size (for when summer comes, to avoid paying the delivery charge twice). Then begins the elimination process. The bikini is way too expensive and I remove it thinking that it will either come on sale or something else will come up that will be cheaper even if I have to pay more to have it delivered to China. Then, one by one, I dismiss the pretty bras, sexy bras, and whatnot and stick with the sensible, useful ones. Then, I ask myself if I really, truly, really, have to incur this cost and I go fetch my old bras that are a back size too big, get a pair of scissors, and remove some fabric to make the back size smaller. I did an OK job, I don’t need to buy new bras, and I were, well, very reasonable. Then again, I spent a small fortune today (relatively speaking) buying mature cheddar cheese, tobasco sauce, digestives knock–offs, ground coffee, which are all luxury items in China. So something had to give.

the best part of learning Chinese

On a completely irrelevant note as is everything in this corner of my universe, learning Chinese is cool. Aspects of it are incredibly difficult to a Westerner, but others so much easier than having to learn French or Spanish, for example. The language is logical and it’s easy to extrapolate and go about guessing what a word you haven’t been explicitly taught will be and how to phrase things and construct sentences. The grammar is for the most part straightforward. And the language is very poetic. Every pictogram has a story, and words are laced with metaphor. There’s also a lot of meaning reinforcement through repetition, for example you might say “beautiful” by saying: “beautiful beautiful”, putting two synonyms together. But I haven’t got to the best part yet. This is the only language I’ve written in where my handwriting is considered beautiful! I’d never have thought it possible. But there you have it.

November eve; winter

Winter is coming. It’s about 3 degrees celcius at night and will drop below freezing tomorrow night. About 7 degrees during the day. I’m wearing my coat tomorrow because I can’t pretend it’s still warm enough to get by on a jacket. I’m also wearing my maxi wooly coat dress, the one I inherited from my mum that in London I would wear when it got really really cold and then usually I wouldn’t need a coat to wear with. But I was freezing today and until I adjust, I’ll be bundled up. Nearly a year in sub–tropical climate (China is huge huge huge) has made me less tolerant of the cold. But I’m excited. (Must buy gloves! I’ve got the coldest hands ever.) And I finally see the point of thermal underwear and will get me some.

old daemons

How can I tell if I’m on my way to getting depressed again rather than just be having a bad couple of weeks? I have to acknowledge and accept that I have a history of this illness, that it’s not always a bad thing, that it may happen again in my life. I’ve been doing some research (i.e. googling) and for my age group depression is atypical. Those who have had a depressive episode (and I’ve had two major ones) are likely to have it a few times in their lives. I’m scared, far away from home, and alone. I’m hoping I’m over reacting but every day for the last couple of weeks I’ve been hoping that the next day will be better. Perhaps I’m tired. I am tired. And over-socialised. But reluctant and unable to withdraw. And I’ve had a menstrual period double feature which hasn’t helped with my state of mind. I’ll sit on this for another week, but I will be proactive this time. I cannot let myself go back. But the way of being when depressed is starting to feel more and more familiar. This is perhaps the memory of old daemons. But my heart feels heavy and I’m floating, not living.

orgasmic alarm clock

The other night, well, an early morning not too long ago, I was woken up by an orgasm. I’m not usually woken up by them. In the early mornings I may be having weird sex dreams and contractions blend in with the dreams and that strange in between stage. I continue half asleep and half awake and have a faint memory of some strange phantasy scenario when I wake up. This time, I was being woken up by the contractions as they were taking place in real time. I was becoming more and more aware of my bodily sensations and I fully woke up as I orgasmed. (Well, as fully as is possible for me before coffee and a full hour of zombiehood.) I don’t remember the dream and I’m not sure there was one. But it’s a nice way to wake up : )

thinking out loud. languages (french, etc.)

My level used to be that good on the old equivalent DELF system under which I qualified:

The highest level, DELF B2 validates a perfectly fluent level, total independence in the language and the ability of the student to manage him/herself. The DELF B2 candidate is capable of responding to any demand and knows how to recognize and correct their own deficiencies.

I’ve lost it now and last time I was on holiday (in Nice), about three years back my French was conversational. I could understand people when they spoke to me directly and catch some of the conversations around me. I could make myself understood if I didn’t discuss anything too complicated. Now, I’m studying Chinese with a view to continue with this when in London so that I can have a solid foundation upon my possible return to China. And I remember that because of my French background, I found Italian (2 years) when in highschool, easy. I gave it up. But I remember when in France at about 18, I would hang out with Italians and Spanish and they spoke to me in their native languages and I understood them perfectly and would answer back in French or English. And Spanish was a peace of cake. Before going to Cuba, me and the then boyfriend took some lessons and I could understand people and speak to them without any real difficulty (except up on the mountains where they had a difficult accent). But I don’t speak Spanish or Italian, and my French is now pathetic. If I can choose to commit to learning Mandarin properly (and it will be difficult, especially once I’m back in London), could I also choose to commit to bring my French up to par with a view of even improving it? Should I start now with my somewhat free-er schedule? (Although my time seems to be taken up more or less lately…) I wish I had my old French textbooks with me! Assuming I work on my French, and assuming further that I do go to Latin America to teach and live for a few years (after London and after China and after Hong Kong so we’re talking in four/five years minimum! and I’m currently single and free but for who knows what the future brings….), I would be able to pick up Spanish easily. I find Spanish easy, there’s a wealth of amazing literature that’d be great to read in the original language, and that along with immersion should suffice. And then I’d have Greek, English, French, Mandarin, and Spanish all under my belt with Italian beckoning. Is this all possible? I started studying French when I was young and I was fluent by 14, so would that early start give me an advantage? I’m hoping (and think) it’s still all there so that it can serve as my link to the other Romanic languages. I’m hoping also, that in the same way that being in China and being exposed to Mandarin has stimulated my usage of Greek so it shall stimulate my contemporaneous study of French. Should I choose to go down this path. And though this post is ramblings through and through I have been thinking about this for this past year in China. I miss French. I miss being a fluent speaker.

high/low

The day starts on a low because I have to get out of bed early and I’m not a morning person. Things improve soon after that with breakfast, coffee, and cigarettes. Then my students make me laugh and it’s great. But I have to share some classes under non-optimal conditions. Still things are improving (there are dots to connect, and I will write a post when my mind works again). However, I’m vulnerable and prone to be a bit more negative than I should be. I get to the office, I have some nice chats. I work out some tunes on the recorder to possibly use in class (I didn’t.) Higher. Then, the atmosphere in the office, less than ideal. I’m spreading negativity, he’s spreading negativity and so is she, and so on and so forth and I forget whose emotions I’m experiencing in a medley of mess. Then I’m being observed for stupid and ridiculous reasons. A situation that has thrown me and has been bugging me all week. Two people watching my class, a hyperactive kid, a control freak trouble mum hovering, watching, through a tiny window throughout to the extent that she irritated the teacher observing my class. “Tell her to stop watching” he tells the admin girl. “Leave it.” I said. “She always does this and now she’s pissed off with me”. I felt like a fish in a pond. I was stressed and deffensive. Low. Thinking about having dinner, where and how. Further down. Fuck this bodily maintenance bullshit. Sometimes I wish I was a post–apocalyptic–robot/human fusion already. Down down down. Had dinner. Got some chocolate ice–cream. Higher. The day is over. My mind is fucked. I’m exhausted and almost ready for bed.